Its Not You, Its Me

I've debated for some time how to write this particular blog post. I always question how people will interpret the words I write and worry that they may take them the wrong way and perhaps be inadvertently hurt or insulted. But as I have been told, the whole point of this blog is for me to have a venue to share my experiences from my point of view with minimal editing and lots of honesty. So here it is: the honest truth.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains

unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

(Nelson Mandela)

I don't think there is a better way than that quote to express how I felt being back in the Northeast for a little over two weeks for Christmas break. This break was not only the longest amount of time I have spent away from CAP since I moved here, but it is also most likely the only time that I will be in Rhode Island during my time in Kentucky. It was great to be able to see my family, some of whom I haven't seen since June. I was also able to make up a trip to Rivier, my alma mater, and visit my best friend and some other close friends who are still in school or live in the area.

 My break as a whole was rather uneventful. Every day consisted mainly of hanging out at my house, visiting friends/family, at least an hour workout, and some type of arts and crafts project. I did get to show off my housing skills a little bit by helping a friend drywall their living room ceiling one Saturday morning, but other than that it was a welcome break from the type of work I do here in Kentucky.

 After about the first week of being back in the Northeast and spending time up at school and home, I came to a realization - as much as I love the people I left behind there I can't imagine myself living there now. It wasn't that I felt unwelcomed, I think it took me coming back and seeing things as I left them, a lot of them still unaffected by time that caused me to notice how much I have changed since I left. Its not that I have drastically changed who I am over the past five months in Kentucky and I am suddenly a whole new person with no connections to my past. I just feel like all the little changes I have been undergoing since I first moved away three and half years ago until now finally are coming together and I am becoming more and more my own person. Not only has my appearance changed (if you had asked me if I would be wearing a hoop in my nose three years ago, I would have been adamant that it would never happen), but my dreams, values, and priorities have also shifted ever so much. I can't even fathom the individual I would be today had I not decided to move to New Hampshire for college and consequently learned about CAP through Campus Ministry which brings me to where I am right now - sitting in my room in a volunteer house in Martin, KY serving the people of Appalachia.

 The reason I hesitate even now to hit the publish button on this post is that I know this topic of me separating myself from RI is tough for some people to swallow. When I'm home, I try to avoid the subject altogether and steer discussions neatly around the fact that I don't feel like I belong there anymore.

I find myself using the age old, 'its not you, its me' reasoning that always seems so cliché and leaves the 'you' in the story feeling gypped out of an explanation and oddly at fault, but I don't know how else to say it. It really isn't Rhode Island or my family and friends - who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world - that have brought me to the realization that I don't belong there anymore not that this means I know where somewhere else is yet.

It really is me. I am the one who has changed.

So please don't take this dose of honesty personally.


I promise; its not you, its me.