"When things are going smoothly, we tend to forget our essential dependence on God. At least I do. It's a subtle form of pride: I can take care of everything,things are humming along, life is sweet - why do I need God? It's usually when our defenses are lowered (usually against our will) and we find ourselves more vulnerable that we appreciate our reliance on God...That's why humility is central the spiritual life. For it is when we are where we don't want to be that we often meet God."
I have to admit that I have been in a slump of sorts lately. I can't seem to shake this deep sadness of the past few months. I'm not saying that its not normal to mourn and be sad about losing someone you love and missing them, but it had begun to take over every part of my life. And honestly, I was just wallowing in my despair and grief. Even though I could say all the right things to everyone else about moving on and accepting the situation, on the inside I was just so angry and not willing to see God's hand in any part of what happened. Not only was I dealing with the grief of losing my Pepe and my aunt so close together, but I was also still trying to come to terms with moving halfway across the county to a place where I don't really know anyone, and quite frankly I didn't much care for my new home state. Life in my opinion was not being very kind to me.
In the midst of my 'woe is me' phase, I started reading the book My Life with the Saints by James Martin SJ. In this book, a Jesuit priest details his relationship with various saints and pillars of the church and the things he has learned from them. Each chapter highlights a different saint - Mother Teresa, St Thomas Aquinas, and Pedro Arrupe to name a few. It talks about how Martin first was introduced to the saint, a little history about the saint's life, and what Martin has learned as a result of getting to know the saint. Not being Catholic myself, I don't really know that much about a lot of traditional saints so I have really enjoyed getting to know these people and their stories through his writings.
In his chapter on the apostle Peter, Martin talks about the humanness of this apostle who is probably best known for his faults and stubbornness. Martin talks about how God loves us regardless of our shortcomings and how Peter is such a reflection of this. I mean, Peter's denial of Jesus not only once, but three times is the stuff of daytime soap opera drama. Its because of his faults though that Peter is so relate-able to us; his realization that due to his many shortcomings anything he accomplished was not through his own doing but due to Christ's work in him is what true humility is about. Martin then transitions this reliance on Christ into a discussion about human suffering and its place in our life - an excerpt from that section is at the top of this post. The first time I read it, I didn't think much of it, but rather just kind of breezed over the section and decided it didn't apply to me. I mean, he didn't know what I'd been through: moving halfway across the country, not knowing hardly anyone in my new home, being separated from my family during a really difficult time, and losing two family members three weeks apart. Then the next day I opened up my Bible and happened upon this verse in I Peter - Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want...Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. I knew that verse and that section of the book were intended for me, as much as I didn't want to admit it.
It has been three months since Michelle died and I am in no way saying that I am over the loss of her life or that I will stop missing her. Nor am I saying that all of a sudden, I am going to love living far away from my family and friends. Rather, I am choosing to stop my personal pity party that has taken over so much of my life. Dorothee Soelle describes this decision as not welcoming suffering, but rather accepting it as part of life and looking at the new ways you can experience God as a result.
Life is wonderful and beautiful but its not perfect. And I am not perfect. But because of that fact, I am constantly reminded I cannot do it on my own. In my weakness, His power and love and grace is made known.
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